Vietnam has a solution to the current toilet paper crisis, but it's not what you’re used to

by Jamie Simcock, 3/19/2020

Vietnam has a solution to the current toilet paper crisis, but it's not what you’re used to

 

In the Western world we sit upon our porcelain thrones and do our business, the smell of potpourri and toilet freshener in the air, we reach for fluffy rolls of toilet paper and wipe away. Not thinking about all the bacteria, we are smearing around our tushy. We pull up our pants and wash our hands with not a care in the world.

Meanwhile, in Asia and some parts of Europe, toilets are accompanied by the ol’ faithful bum gun, toilet hose, bidet (whatever you want to call it) – devices to clean your ass… properly.

Put it this way, if you ever got some of ‘your business’ on your hands, would you simply wipe it with a tissue and think “ah good all clean”. No. You wouldn’t (or at least I hope you wouldn’t).

With the current situation in the world, in places like Australia, the UK and America, the toilet paper isle is a ghost land. Shoppers are now restricted to 2 rolls each and people are stressed out about how they will clean their behinds.

To me, the only logical solution is to follow Asia and Europe and get yourself a bum gun.

It may seem weird at first, but my family back in Australia installed bum guns beside their toilets and said they are never going back. They aren’t struggling during this toilet paper crisis and are happy as larry with the new addition to their toilet ritual. After living in Vietnam for a few months now I can personally vouch for the greatness of the bum gun.

 

My first time

Anyone who has travelled to South East Asia will be familiar with this one. You see a sign in the toilet encouraging you to use the little spray device to your right – sometimes even with instructions on how to do so.

You nervously grab the hose and prepare yourself for the worst. Not sure of the pressure, not sure of the mess but you are actually pleasantly surprised by how easy this handy little device is to use.

 

Where to get one?

Your local hardware store (Bunnings if you’re Australian) sells these bum guns, if not check plumbing stores.

Online is another good spot. If you Google “handheld bidet sprayer” there are hundreds of results on where to purchase one.

Companies like Hello Tushy Bidets sell easy to install bidets for the back of your toilet seat (similar to the bidets in Europe and Japan).

You could also use a detachable showerhead if you have one, but I can’t guarantee that you won’t get soaking wet so maybe it’s not the best idea

 

Bum Gun 101

If you do make the switch and get yourself one of these beauties, there are a few steps you should follow to ensure your bum gun experience is the best it can be!

  1. Test the power - the last thing you want is to be shot up into the air because the water pressure has more power than an F1 car. Give it a little spray into the toilet first.
     
  2. Do your business and flush - As grotesque as it is the last thing you want is back-splash.
     
  3. Ready, set, go! - Aim your bum and spray, making sure you give it a proper clean and not just wetting it. Once you feel confident the deed is done, proceed to the next step.
     
  4. Dry and polish - Whilst I know toilet paper is a valuable asset that should not be waisted, unless you’re an absolute bum gun pro you will need to dry yourself or risk looking like you’ve wet yourself. A few squares should be enough to dry your tushy. (If you’re lucky enough to score yourself a Japanese-style toilet, they come with an inbuilt air dryer, it’s some next level luxury).
     
  5. Wash your hands - It goes without saying you need to wash your hands with soap and water for 20 seconds after going to the loo.
    HOT TIP: The chorus of Brittany Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” is 20 seconds long. Sing it in your head or out loud whilst you wash and you will be good to go.

     
  6. Realise you have been living a lie - Going back to just toilet paper will never be the same, you will never feel as clean and shiny.

Join the bum gun/bidet revolution and help stop the toilet paper crisis! #noregrets